Chicken Scratchings

Naughty Friday funny - At the retirement home

2009-11-06T03:18:50Z

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a garage sale.'

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Malcolm drops another easy ball

2009-11-03T08:18:58Z

Malcolm turnbull

The current unhappiness with uninvited guests refusing to leave an Australian vessel in an Indonesian port has stirred up the old race hate fans like Wilson Tuckey and Barnaby Joyce with a view to scoring some cheap political points.

Notionally it is better news for the Opposition and has given them a breather from the damaging infighting but it’s not all beer and skittles for them just yet. The problem stems from firstly not having a policy to follow and secondly a lack of logical thinking on the part of their Leader.

In the first instance. chaps like Iron bar Tuckey have no set rules to follow (assuming he actually would) and he gets a bit excited. In Iron bar’s case it led to the bizarre demand that Aussie soldiers should throw the asylum seekers off the vessel.

Now either Tuckey doesn’t have much of a grip of geography or he is running a bit shy of how diplomacy works but sending troops into another country to throw their weight around is not likely to go down especially well with very many people and in all likelyhood is illegal in the International court. (Policy fail)

Secondly, if you do want to score political points as Turnbull wishes to do, it’s a good idea to try making the statement out loud in front of your advisers but in private. This way you can check your statement for logic without it going on record. Clearly young Malcolm didn’t think it through this time when he claimed the current boat load of asylum seekers having originated from Indonesia “completely destroyed Kevin Rudd’s argument about political pressure in Sri Lanka.” That's right up there with the struggling logic displayed by his Deputy Julie Bishop.

News reports from Sri Lanka make it perfectly clear there is a very unsympathetic Government dealing with the surviving Tamil Tigers and for that matter ordinary Sri Lankans who disagree with them. Conciliation is not on the agenda. One boat load can hardly be claimed to be representative of the whole problem.

This really points to Turnbull’s ongoing problem in front of the media. He seems to get over excited and forget to leave himself some wriggle room. Yes, he could make some mileage out of the current problem but he has to be a bit more thoughtful. Blowing his credibility at the opening of an attack gets the focus on him instead of the point he wants to make. It’s not the first time he has made a dill of himself and I think it stems from his attitude that he is always right. Some Press Conferences seem to show him thinking on his feet rather than being prepared.

Can he fix it? Well yes, but does he know he has a problem? I think his attitude suggests he thinks he is without blame in the current despair gripping the party room and unless he takes a “good hard look at himself” he will probably leave the job feeling he was never given a fair go.

He has been given fairly good support but when he drops the easy ball like this you can’t blame the Libs looking for a better player.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The dilemma of the Afghan poppy crop

2009-10-31T07:20:13Z

Landscape - see description

It just keeps getting worse for Osama Bin Laden.

Firstly he lost his two best recruitment officers in Bush and Cheney, then the US Treasury suggested he has cash flow problems. Now the top little earner of the opium harvest is struggling to hold it's price levels.

In the early years of this century (2001) the Taliban felt drugs were evil and almost eradicated the harvest reducing the cultivation by an impressive 91% under their regime. They must have then hired an Economic Rationalist because they have since had a rethink and these days take a cut of the harvest calculated at around 10 %. On current figures this is supposed to come in at around $200M to $400M per year. That's one heck of a lot of explosive in anyone's book.

In 2008 NATO and the Afghan government spent hundreds of millions of dollars to destroy an estimated 3% of the opium harvest. An expensive operation which basically had no effect because the oversupply has driven the price way down. The World consumes about 5,000 tonnes a year but Afghanistan alone grows far more than this level. The upshot of the oversupply was a 33% drop in the price last year.

The Taliban have become rather attached to the previous price levels so now NATO forces are uncovering stockpiles of the crop when raiding Taliban hangouts. Like the drug users themselves, they are addicted to their biggest revenue raiser.

Hopefully the forces of light will reconsider the previous program of eradication (which cost many lives as well as dollars) and try something a bit more innovative like promoting legal crops.

This wins on so many different levels.

The Afghan government doesn't have to irritate the farmers by destroying their income.
The Taliban have an even bigger problem of oversupply to deal with.
The cost in lives and dollars to the Afghan government is significantly reduced.
NATO forces are less obvious in the negative sense in their interaction with the locals.
The opium affect on GDP which currently stands at 3% can be replaced by other crops.

The dollar addiction for the Taliban is a real problem for them. Just like a junkie they will have trouble scaling back their earnings. The nature of their behaviour is to put pressure on to maintain the status quo. Instead of promoting themselves as the "Liberators" they are going to suffer from the stand over tactics that naturally accompany a military boys club. When you add greed to the mix that already has them upsetting the population with their indiscriminate bombings, they have a PR nightmare in front of them.

Good job too. It's high time they were put on the back foot. Let's hope this opportunity to destabilise the Taliban is embraced.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Naughty Friday funny - Rye bread

2009-10-30T04:16:48Z

Cartoon sandwich

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on the 1st tee bench waiting for their turn to tee off one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy?

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the lady asked if he needed any help. He asked, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me..............!

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Naughty Friday funny - Kiwi rugby fan

2009-10-24T07:51:13Z

Six Nations Rugby Emblems ALL Countries

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey" "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my tist tuckets off me!"

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Terrorist hunt success?

2009-10-19T23:52:20Z

Hunting Terrorist

Last week I came across a briefing in The Week dealing with the use of pilotless aircraft around the world.

The first stunning fact was how many aircraft are deployed over Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. The US operates these craft out of 2 bases in the States. Creech in Nevada and Davis-Monthan in Arizona. The amazing number of 250 pilots piloting around the clock gives a hint of the size of the enterprise but add to this figure that pilots can handle 4 drones at any one time and the numbers really start to climb.

Impressive logistics must be involved when you think of contractors launching closer to the action then control being managed from the continental USA.

Currently the high priority targets for this force is leadership figures standing against the US and they have had some success. But here's the rub. According to Aussie counter insurgency expert, David Kilcullen, who actually works for the State Department in the US, for every al-Qa'eda or Taliban leader killed, 50 civvies also die.

Is that a net gain or loss in the overall picture? You can insert your own bias here as to if you think it's worth the effort.

What is beyond doubt though, is this is an expensive operation in both dollars and human lives and not especially clear cut in its advantages when you factor in the negative effect killing civilians has on boosting Taliban recruitment.

To make matters even worse from where I'm viewing it from, the so called "good guys" feel the need to cheat in elections so they are not as confident of public support as we were led to believe. Add to that the rule changes made against their women folk and the ramping up of protection for the churches with strengthened blasphemy laws, and I start to wonder exactly why we are even involved.

Americans might call it Democracy but its a pretty generous definition under normal standards. How many lives should be sacrificed for such an imperfect result?

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Naughty Friday funny - What really happened at Brokeback Mountain

2009-10-15T19:14:31Z

Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Should our Government support Telstra punters?

2009-10-14T10:58:20Z

Telstra dealer logo

Currently the Government is deciding how to break up the 500 pound gorilla after suffering unending legal challenges to every change in policy. Clearly I am not the only one sick of their greedy intransigence.

Firstly, I should declare that I was once an employee of the company when they were at the pointy end of developing the network and more interested in evolving than churning customers from their competitors. It was a time when aiming for the best for the country was the priority rather than offering huge wages to a select few at the top.

Those days have long since gone and the business model has been a bit of a basket case for quite some time. Currently the existing customer base are suffering through a new billing system that they appear to have brought on line before it was finished. The upshot is a flood of complaints where the customers are helping the company debug the software. Now to the Economic Rationalists it probably looks like a winning strategy but they have failed to measure the effect on their client loyalty.

In the first place it's a bad idea to abuse you client base in this cynical way but an even worse idea is not correcting the problem on the first call. Folk who have told me about their troubles invariably mention how many calls it took to solve the problem and I can't remember one who was satisfied with an easy solution.

You can imagine how hard this makes the job for the folk trying to churn the customers back to Telstra once they have had enough of them in the first place.

But I see some more pain coming courtesy of Telstra. This time it's the share holders but this time I'm less sympathetic.

Some folk seem to value trading in shares as somehow more up market than punting on the gee gees. For all its sophistication, shares is simply betting on a different commodity. Now I can't imagine anyone would be in favour of covering my bets at the local TAB so I'm not inclined to be throwing support on a different form of gambling that didn't work out. Fairs fair.

It's not as if the Telstra investment has ever been a good one. Those who accepted John Howard's invitation to invest have been drifting down the gurgler ever since and should have hit the exits long ago.

Of course if John Howard wanted to throw some of his personal wealth to help the victims this would be an honorable thing and I would applaud it but somehow I can see that happening. He certainly was party to Ziggy overstating the value of the shares something Ziggy fessed up to much later on.

The Libs seem intent on trying to hold up the demise of Telstra but once again they have failed to think about what the Voters want. Finding Telstra fans is harder than finding fans for Malcolm Turnbull.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Masters Games currently in Sydney

2009-10-13T02:14:45Z

Masters games 3_4

Meet Margot Bates. He she is preparing for the 100 meters back stroke where she is the oldest competitor.

I was watching the News last night when she featured in an interview that really tickled my fancy. When asked if she was feeling fit her response was "Any fitter and I'd be dangerous."

What a ripper response. At the stately old age of 97 (I think) it was the quip of the reports. Another nice one was the interview with the 100+ year old woman competing in the shot put.

When quizzed about celebrating her victory from the field of one she said something like "I don't smoke or drink so I won't be celebrating like you."

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The Nobel Peace prize and Alexander Downer

2009-10-12T09:32:30Z

Downer532

There's no fool like an old fool I guess.

I see young Alexander has seen fit to criticize the awarding of the Nobel Peace prize to the current US President Barack Obama.

Obviously he feels he qualified on matters related to peace after his promotion of war and the attempted destruction of the Geneva convention during his chance to do something positive in easing tension around the world. Something he failed at dismally.

I'm not surprised Downer has failed to see the lifting of the tension caused by the shortsightedness by George W Bush. He was so locked into caveman politics he was never aware of the massive damage caused by Bush not understanding the international community.

His solution to more terror attacks? Get bigger guns and kill more people in the vain hope that you can kill more terrorists than you create. Policy FAIL.

Alexander did his bit to promote terrorist organisations too. He tried to credit the loss of an election by the Spanish Government to a train terror attack when in actual fact the Voters thought the incumbent Government were untrustworthy. Not even the Yanks fell for that one.

Another feather in Downer's hat is his support for water boarding. Yep. Alexander and his crew of moral pollies signed right up for the "water boarding is not torture" rubbish. Folk much smarter than he and especially those old enough to remember WW2 must have been horrified to see the weakening of one of the few protections available for POWs.

I was more than amused to see Lech Walesa complaining about the prize win too. When he scored the "Peace" prize I wondered what the reasoning was. If it was called the Democracy prize it would have made sense but at that time his efforts to destabilise the Polish Government were hardly promoting peace.

I'm sure the Obama detractors will moan long and hard over the awarding of the Peace prize but the World is already a safer place with the departure of Bush. The fact that Obama was lucky enough to be measured against his predecessor was his (and the worlds) good fortune. The fact that someone as shallow as Alexander Downer does not approve is just the icing on the cake.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend