44 posts tagged “humour”

Artefacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

 

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

 

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home."

Great News for these financially challenging times!

 

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

I got caught up with my first full day at work yesterday so like the butcher who sat on the mincer I'm all behind in my work.

Enjoy.

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

 
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a garage sale.'

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on the 1st tee bench waiting for their turn to tee off one morning.

 

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy? 

 

The 87 year old  said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

 

So, on the way home the 80 year old stopped at the bakery.  As he was looking around the lady asked if he needed any help.  He asked, "Do you have any rye bread?"

 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?"

 

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

 

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me..............!

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey" "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my tist tuckets off me!"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the  newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He  proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours  every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was  doing very  well. 
Then  one day, the rancher's  widow said to the hired  hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and  kick up your heels.'  
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One  o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return Two  o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned   around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the  fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She  quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton  my blouse and take it  off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire   light. 
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..


Then  she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'